I was recently privy to an animated discussion amongst a group of boys:

• “If Superman and The Incredible Hulk got into a fight, who would win?”
• “How about Godzilla versus King Kong?”
• “Wolverine against Batman?”

Girls don’t have these types of discussions. I watched the debates unfold with interest… even when they derailed into ad hominem attacks:

• “You’re stupid!”
• “No, you’re stupid!”

(Where “stupid” is pronounced “steeew-pid”.)

I shall now apply the “who would win” question to selected state symbols of California and Washington.

California Quail (CA, obviously) versus Willow Goldfinch (WA). The quail is not only larger than the goldfinch, but it also can reside in more harsh environments. By sheer size alone, the quail would likely win. The goldfinch, however, may be able to fly more quickly (and frenetically) than the quail, thus escaping what would seem to be a certain pummeling. I still believe that the California quail has the advantage here.

Orca (WA) versus Grizzly Bear (CA). Technically, Washington doesn’t have a state animal, but it curiously has a state mammal. Since the California state animal is a mammal, I figured that pitting the two against each other is fair. The orca (killer whale) clearly has size and strength advantages over the grizzly bear and orcas are rumored to eat polar bears (though this apparently does not occur with high frequency). Orcas also travel at higher speeds than grizzly bears. However, orcas don’t do well on land, while grizzly bears can swim. Thus, the grizzly bear perhaps has greater adaptability to its environment—all it has to do is lure the orca onto land (though this still does not guarantee victory for the bear; orcas are huge). Should the grizzly bear end up in the water, though, it will no longer be a bear: it will become toast. Advantage: orca.

Columbian Mammoth (WA) versus Saber-Toothed Cat (CA). Both states feature fossils that have captured the imaginations of generations of children. The Columbian mammoth was the ancestor to elephants and their diets consisted primarily of grasses and other vegetation. Like many Seattle-ites, they were the organic, vegetarian types. The saber-toothed cat was definitely a carnivore and ate antelopes, horses, and other hoofed animals during the Ice Age. Thus, I imagine that a group of cats could take down a mammoth, if they weren’t trampled to death in the process. I don’t know how fast the cats could run, but I imagine that the mammoths were not speedy types. I somehow doubt that it would be a clean fight, but I think the saber-toothed cats would win.

Petrified Wood (WA) versus Benitoite (CA). I had never considered petrified wood to be a gemstone and I had never heard of benitoite. Petrified wood forms when silica (from lava) replaces the wood fibers of trees under pressure and over a long period of time. The original wood maintains its physical appearance, but its constitution is vastly different. Benitoite is apparently a rare gem that has thus far only been found in the waters of the San Benito River (hence its name). It sounds like it is a hard substance, as benitoite also has the moniker of “blue diamond”. The rarity, apparent hardness, and gemstone credibility of the benitoite suggests that it could easily defeat petrified wood.

Square Dancing (WA) versus West Coast Swing Dancing (CA). Square dancing is a dance that features call-outs (the caller tells the dancers what moves to do while the music is playing) and is thus highly structured and cooperative. If I recall correctly, partners are exchanged frequently, thus permitting all dancers to dance with everyone else. It is one of the more social of the social dances. West Coast swing is related to East Coast swing, the jitterbug, and lindy hop; it also utilizes more of the “slot” formation (both dancers travel back and forth on the floor as if in a slot). It is not a called dance and thus, the lead generates the structure of the dance. There is thus less uniformity. Partners generally dance with each other for the entire length of the dance. I am obviously partial to West Coast swing (due to my fondness for lindy hop), but I do think that West Coast swing has the advantage here: There are more opportunities for creativity and conflict in West Coast swing; the fact that a caller calls out the steps in square dancing suggests that it is more reactive than proactive. (As if any of this is really supposed to make sense.) For what it is worth, however, the state folk dance of California is square dancing and therefore, conflict is averted.

Green and Gold (WA) versus Blue and Gold (CA). Washington’s green represents the evergreen forests that carpet this beautiful state. California’s blue represents the endless skies that stretch as far as the eye can see (unless you live in Southern California, in which case the smog blunts the view). California’s gold represents the gold that glittered in the eyes of the miners during the gold rush; I have no idea what it represents in Washington (possibly the same thing). The color blue is associated with water, melancholy, honesty, and tradition. The color green is associated with the environment, jealousy, growth, and sickness (think cartoons). Blue is present in bruises and green is present before the veins split open from injury. By personal preference alone, blue has the advantage.

The dorkiness ends here.