Sibling relationships fascinate me. And I exaggerate not when I use the word “fascinate”.
Some people speak of their siblings with affection and admiration: “My sister is my best friend.” Other people speak of their siblings with shame and annoyance: “My brother… is a selfish jerk. I can’t believe I’m related to him.” And still others simply never speak of their siblings.
“He’s great,” I recently commented to a girlfriend about a mutual colleague. “I don’t know what it’s like to have a big brother, but I imagine that it’s like the relationship he and I have.”
She started to laugh, clearly at me. “He doesn’t act like a big brother,” she said. “Big brothers pin you down and try to burp in your face when you’re a kid, and then they make fun of you for the rest of your life.”
Another girlfriend, a new mother, shared, “My family had two kids and my husband’s family had two kids. I’d like my child to have a brother or sister; it just seems right. That probably sounds weird to you, since you don’t have any siblings.”
I shrugged—I have no concept of what it means to grow up with someone who is around your age, but isn’t your friend. Furthermore, this person is related to you, but isn’t a parent. What is that like?
The stereotype of the only child persists: “Wow—you’re an only child? You don’t seem like an only child.”
“What do you mean?” I reply. It’s meant as a compliment—I think.
“I don’t know—you don’t seem spoiled. You’re nice and you share stuff.”
It’s not that onlies are completely self-absorbed; we’re just really skilled at entertaining ourselves—we learn to be independent at an early age because, frankly, parents can be pretty boring people and who else could we hang out with? As school kids, we probably seemed aloof and serious—this isn’t because we’re pretentious, it’s because we learned our behavior from our parents. It’s anecdotal, but most of my “only” friends (myself included) consistently report that they got along better with adults than with kids during grade school. We can’t cause the same kind of trouble at home that my sibling-ed friends reminisce about: If a vase is shattered (how cliche) or there is a ding in the car, the identity of the culprit is obvious. (”I didn’t do it; MOM did it!”) Around the dinner table, we can’t tell or hear silly jokes; we can’t generate create insults about how one’s face resembles a brussel sprout; we can’t compete with another youth for attention or admiration.
In fact, sometimes we wish the attention could be diverted elsewhere.
Maybe onlies are more socially stunted as a result of our lack of siblings, but there are also plenty of people with siblings who are overly earnest, serious, or socially inept. Some of the most charming people I know are onlies; maybe it goes back to our abilities to entertain ourselves—like everyone else, we use what charisma we have to titrate the frequency and intensity of our social interactions and, sometimes, we do revert to the stereotype and we just want to be alone.
I used to think that all onlies were introverts, but I now know I’m wrong. I was projecting.
When I was younger, I often wished for a sibling—older or younger, just because the company was appealing. These days, that wish has languished; I don’t think I’d be who I am if I had siblings.
But that doesn’t stop me from listening in wonder when people talk about how much they love/hate/despise/adore their siblings. I’ll never get it.
(Part of the ongoing Relationship Series.)
16 Jun 2007 |
Interesting. Very interesting. I have two older brothers. I’m 26. We all still live in the parental home and we don’t speak to each other. That’s not an exaggeration. We literally say not a word to each other. So if you’re ever curious about dysfunctional siblings you know who to ask. Having said that I’m probably not the best person to ask about it. For some reason I’m mute.
P.S. Lovely website. Enjoy reading your thoughts. As the Americans say, have a nice day. :-)
Comment by Stephen | 16 Jun 2007 @ 2:35pm
I too am fascinated with onlies (my mother is one, and never seems to get enough attention…) and sibling relationships. Birth order is my particular area of interest. I did have an older brother, but he died when I was two and he was four, making me the oldest child by default. Only my parents, who went on to produce three more children, never thought of me as the oldest. They treated my younger sister–who was larger and stronger than I from birth on–as the oldest. It was SO confusing being me!! :) But I lived, and to a ripe old age, as you know….
Comment by Katy Raymond | 16 Jun 2007 @ 3:09pm
My mother & I are both onlies, I loved it, but always felt as a child that I related better to adults than to other kids.
My friend Marlene has one child and commented to me once that only children tend to be better at holding grudges. When her son has a disagreement with a friend, the friend goes home & her son gets to perseverate on it until he sees the friend again. When Marlene was a child and had a fight with her sister, she had to continue to interact with the sister for the rest of the day, and share a bedroom at night–and learned to get over disagreements sooner.
And I have to say that I am good at holding grudges…though perhaps Stephen & his brothers could match me at that. :)
Comment by Kathy | 16 Jun 2007 @ 6:05pm
I find sibling relationships to be very interesting. I have 5 brothers and no sisters, so while I can’t relate to being an “only child” I do know what it’s like not to have a partner in crime. My older brother and I had a distant relationship until after he had gone off to college, for no particular reason. When we’d pass in the halls in high school, he got my fake smile (the one you give strangers on the street when you accidentally make uncomfortable eye contact), and he always gave me the “nod.” Even still, we speak every 2 months or so tops, and until last Xmas I hadn’t seen him in 2 years.
Contrast that with my younger brothers, who are between 10 and 16 years YOUNGER than me. The 17 year old and I talk on a regular basis and I feel like he really gets it despite our 10 year difference. The 11 year old hardly seems to know me, I moved off to college when he was a toddler and haven’t lived at home since. I have such different relationships with each of my brothers, and though with all of them I have a cordial relationship, with some I have more depth than others.
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a sister. I now have two sisters-in-law, but it’s not the same. We didn’t grow up together and talk about boys and teach each other about makeup and manicures and hairstyles.
–Amanda (Brock’s woman :P )
Comment by Amanda | 16 Jun 2007 @ 7:49pm
I’m one of nine. The only way I could be alone was to learn to zone in on what I am doing to the point that I don’t even hear my name if it is called. I think that’s why I love New York - it’s like living back in my noisy house…
Comment by tbtam | 17 Jun 2007 @ 6:33am
Reading that, I was struck by how many of the only child assumptions could easily fit my family (with eight children). The youngest could be spoilt, the oldest learnt to be independent very early, we all have to clamour for attention so we’ve learnt to be sociable, and since there’s so many of us we love the (rare) opportunities for solitude.
If you ever feel like having a sibling, I could lend you one of mine for a little while. I’ve got a whole range to choose from, boys and girls, aged 10 through to 24.
Comment by rowan | 17 Jun 2007 @ 5:08pm
it’s possible that one could develop introverted qualities when there’s a large age gap (ten years, for example) between them and their siblings.
Comment by yaser | 17 Jun 2007 @ 9:38pm
I’m an only as well. I actually find myself to be a good balance of an introvert/extrovert. I enjoy having spending time with friends yet also I am perfectly fine just spending my day at home watching movies all by myself.
Interestingly enough, I never wanted any siblings growing up. *shrugs*
Comment by shell | 18 Jun 2007 @ 9:10am
Sometimes I wanted to be an only, but now (late 20s, married, not at home) I appreciate my 3 younger sisters much more. I’m also fascinated by sibling relationships, partly because they’re explored so much less in literature and film than either romantic or parent-child relationships.
In elementary school, various notes home were handed out to “oldest and only” students, so I’ve always thought of that as a distinct class. The pop psych I’ve read on birth order supports some affinity there, and most of my friends have been one or the other.
Comment by LadyGrey | 18 Jun 2007 @ 2:36pm
I’m the oldest of three brothers and although we do fit the birth-order stereotypes in some ways, we aren’t close as adults at all and none of us are terribly social people. Interestingly, the same is true of many people in our extended family as well.
I’ve been in a few relationships with women who were only children, and that’s something I swear I will never do again. They were all relentlessly self-absorbed; one of them couldn’t even converse about any topic other than herself. That’s not to say they weren’t nice people; in fact they were all very generous and considerate. But their generosity always had the whiff of manipulation about it — they’d give a gift and then wait eagerly to be showered with gratitude.
I’ve also observed, with some amusement, that the most vehement objections to “only child syndrome” come from only children themselves. “I’m an only child, and I turned out GREAT! I’m brilliant, and wonderful, and talented, and … hey, where are you going? I haven’t finished telling you about me! Come back here!”
Comment by steve | 22 Jul 2007 @ 3:12pm