My friends laugh at me whenever we go out for dim sum. (Today’s restaurant recommendation: House of Hong. Terrible name, yummy dim sum!)

They expect me to exercise my usual restaurant etiquette: Smile broadly at the waiter or waitress, order in a concise fashion, say “please” and “thank you”, make discreet eyes at wait staff when I want their attention, and generally attend to the world confined within the boundaries of the table. I practice courteous manners. (”I got it from my mama.”)

At dim sum, my friends laugh at me—partly in surprise, partly in embarrassment, I imagine—when I raise my arm up, wave it about like a windshield wiper on high speed, and say in a commanding voice, “Pot sticker!”

It’s as if I am hailing a taxi. Or commanding a dog to sit. The ease with which I convert nouns into imperatives is impressive. “Congee” no longer means rice porridge; instead, when uttered from my lips, it demands submission and warrants immediate attention.

And, wouldn’t you know it, bowls of congee instantaneously appear on the table, steaming and ready for consumption. That’s what I’m talking about.

This barking method simply works at dim sum restaurants. You can’t wait for the carts to stop at your table; sometimes they wheel past because another table has captured the pusher’s attention. Sometimes there remains only one plate of shrimp balls and if you don’t call it, another table will snag it and you’ll have to wait another whopping twenty minutes before shrimp balls are available. Sometimes the same cart (which always seems to boast only turnip cakes) will endlessly circle your table and the cart you really want (the one with the pot stickers and sticky rice) is on the other side of the restaurant.

Sometimes you must forego usual manners to get what you want (for the good of the table, of course). This is called effectiveness, people.

And though my friends laugh at me initially, soon they, too, are waving down cart-pushers and transforming nouns into commands. This is called fast learning.

To add to my collection of silly fortunes in fortune cookies (”Your ideas will be totally acceptable“), here’s the fortune I received from the dim sum restaurant:

You will reach high levels of intelligence.

So, what, now I’m stupid?