I was seated at the perimeter of the dance floor for a break, both enjoying the sight of couples moving to the music and the sensation of the cool night air flowing through the open window. She skittered towards me and slid into the empty seat next to me.
“See that guy over there?” she asked, discreetly pointing in the two o’clock direction.
“Which guy?” I answered, seeing at least five couples moving in and out of that ill-defined area.
“See the guy with the fluffy blonde hair and black shirt?”
“Oh—okay—yeah?” I finally answered, spotting the man in question laughing as he tried to spin the follow.
“He’s an Asian-phile,” my Asian friend replied. There was a hint of impatience and mild contempt in her voice. I looked at the follow and, coincidentally, she was indeed Asian.
Skeptical, I asked, “How do you know?”
“Because he’s only asked Asian girls to dance. He’s asked me to dance three times. He keeps staring at me when he’s not dancing. It’s creepy. And he’s danced with her”—he pointed at his current dance partner—”for three songs in a row now.”
We watched them. Both appeared relatively new to dancing. The lead pulled the follow in close and upon turning around, saw me looking at him. I immediately looked away.
“He just kept staring and I finally asked my boyfriend to give me a kiss. So be careful, okay?” my friend cautioned.
I murmured a barely perceptible “mm hm” that she likely did not hear, as Ella Fitzgerald’s melodic voice overpowered my prim response.
For the remainder of the evening, I found myself avoiding the alleged Asian-phile.
I wondered if my behavior was unfair.
What if, I questioned, he just likes the way Asian women look? Do I fault men who prefer blondes? Do I fault women who prefer men who are taller than them? What about the people who won’t date people who do not have college degrees? What is the difference between these preferences and Asian-philia?
Furthermore, could I fault this man for his preference when Asian women clearly stick out at these dances? Most dancers are white—which reflects that most people who live in the Seattle area are white. On any given night, there are usually about three Asian women (and maybe as many Asian men) who dance in a crowd of at least 150 people.
People see us because we look different.
Perhaps, I considered, we assume that the Asian-philes hold inaccurate stereotypes in their minds about Asian women. We make assumptions about their assumptions and we’re subsequently offended.
Some people believe that Asian women are
- submissive
- demure
- adoring
- domesticated
- quiet
- speak only when spoken to
- shy
- inhibited
Other people believe that Asian women are
- exotic
- lascivious (think about the stereotypes of commercial sex in Thailand)
- wicked (but in sexy, temptress sort of way—consider Fu Manchu’s female accomplices)
The blending of these two categories makes for a mythical fantasy: A demure, seemingly submissive, exotic, and lascivious sex kitten from Ze Orient.
I suppose there are some Asian women who capitalize on this stereotype. Those of us who fit yet another Asian stereotype
- overly educated
- diligent
- intelligent in that brainy sort of way
take umbrage at that. Why? Because we don’t want to be reduced to living blow-up dolls? Because we believe submission is not becoming on us? Because we want to subvert The (White) Man?
Because, no, we don’t “likee soupee“?
And maybe these are merely assumptions about assumptions. Or maybe not.
And isn’t there often a grain of truth—even if it is a tiny, tiny grain—in these stereotypes? But is it fair to use a broad brush when a fine brush is more appropriate?
A good friend of mine—white guy, blue eyes, dark hair, broad-shouldered, could fall under the stereotype of “dumb jock”, except he’s neither dumb nor a jock—told me a story about how he had overheard someone ask a Brazilian woman, “So… where are you from?” The woman took offense to that question and launched into a tirade: “Why don’t you just ask me what ethnicity I am?”
That someone, though, was honestly just inquiring where the woman was from: Delaware? Rhode Island?
I laughed—only because I have experienced both questions. Some people ask me where I am from and when I inform that I was born in an American state, they reset and ask again,”No—I meant, where are your parents from?” I invariably smirk and answer the question, though I wonder why they didn’t simply ask me to identify my ethnicity.
When I visited Vancouver earlier this year, I was struck with the number of Asian people in that city. Though Seattle is probably absolutely culturally and ethnically diverse, I must confess that I was disappointed with the relative homogeneity (having come from major metropolitan areas in California). Maybe it is a function of age; maybe it is a function of now living in a predominantly Caucasian area; maybe it is a function of increased life experience and curious interactions with individuals who have not meet many Asians—I am more aware now than I have ever been that I am Asian… that I am different. Sometimes it feels a bit lonely.
That doesn’t give me the liberty, though, to assume that everyone who is not Asian is applying stereotypes to me because I am Asian.
Hypocrisy isn’t becoming on anybody.
1 Sep 2007 |
It’s funny how stereotypes get applied. I think we are all guilty, as well as being on the receiving end of a stereotype. I think it’s mostly an assumption based on what we are familiar with, have been told, or learned on TV. Not the best examples. The latter possibly being the worst. But also perhaps all we have had. I’m not making excuses, just an observation.
Comment by Jesse | 1 Sep 2007 @ 11:28am
“I am more aware now than I have ever been that I am Asian… that I am different. Sometimes it feels a bit lonely.”
I can tell you that there is no hint of any sort in your writing that you are any particular ethnicity, including “Asian.” I certainly did not know–nor do I care (from my perspective), now.
I would say that, of course, I care about your sense of yourself, and that in some way includes being “Asian,” so in that sense I care.
I would say that your writing (above) does not make it clear to me what it means to you to be “Asian,” other than the fact that others may hold stereotypes about you. Nor do you make it clear that your sometimes feeling lonely really has to do with your being “Asian.”
Comment by Don | 1 Sep 2007 @ 7:27pm
I didn’t know you were Asian! ;)
Look forward to seeing you, this post will be interesting to discuss…
Sometimes I feel really weird about how “white” Seattle is. Speaking of, we should go have Mexican food! Soon!
Comment by lynnc | 1 Sep 2007 @ 8:50pm
I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now and I never thought you would be Asian! That’s very cool :D
Studying at an international school, I’m always faced with the confusing question “where are you from?”. I’ve learned to deal with it: just say both.
Comment by Jane | 1 Sep 2007 @ 10:03pm
It’s hard not to have biases and prejudices. I married interracially, and consider myself liberal, but sometimes I am forced to look in the mirror at the way I stereotype others. It is not a pretty sight.
I must confess that I am surprised to learn that your ethnicity is Asian. Other than assuming, from reading your blog for about two years, that you might have dark hair and be of average build and almost 30, I had no clearer picture of you. Now I find myself comparing you to Amy Tan, and I remind myself that I want to read “Stealing Buddha’s Dinner” by Bich Minh Nguyen. (“Tale of Genji” by Murasaki Shikibu was lost on me, and I have read “The World of Suzie Wong” by Richard Mason which inflamed much of the stereotype of which you speak.)
Comment by Carol | 2 Sep 2007 @ 3:08am
I am another who had no idea you were Asian… but it really makes no difference to me either way. For the record, I don’t always assume that Asians are either docile or super-intelligent, either, although most of the Asians I’ve met HAVE been pretty damned smart, excelled in school, etc. I’m not dumb enough to think that everyone fits the overachieving Asian stereotype, though. :)
Comment by Niika | 2 Sep 2007 @ 10:26am
Hi.
For the record, I’ve always thought you were Asian but I have no idea why - maybe you have mentioned it before?
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that here in Australia, we say that guys who only date Asian women have “Yellow Fever” - no, not very politically correct! But if you hear that in Australia, now you know what it means :)
I’m Australian, my mother was born in Australia, my father was born in England, but due to a mixture of Russian/Polish/Middle Eastern genes before that I have olive skin and dark curly hair… people often ask where I am from - Australia. and then say, no, but really! Which I find really annoying.
Comment by Mandie | 2 Sep 2007 @ 10:27pm
I laughed at your post because you described exactly why some of my friends have been fascinated with Asian woman. I have never had or read someone who described so descriptively as you did. Your observations make me pause and think…. please keep on writing… I enjoy your reading your prose and observations…
Comment by tschwagerl | 3 Sep 2007 @ 5:04pm
I didn’t know you were Asian. When I read blogs, I don’t really think too much about one’s ethnicity unless they write about it. By the way, I’m Asian, too — Filipino-American, to be exact. I cringe when people say that they’re not surprised that I am a nurse. You know the stereotype. Ugh. I feel the need to inform them that I became a nurse AFTER spending 11 years in Corporate America. Needless to say, they are surprised that it wasn’t my first choice.
Comment by unsinkablemb | 3 Sep 2007 @ 6:04pm
I knew you were asian. It’s easy- your writing is so demure and sexy and intelligent.
This was one of the most clearly thought out deconstructions of race and stereotype that I’ve read. Thankyou.
Comment by Rowan | 3 Sep 2007 @ 6:38pm
Hello, everyone. Thanks for commenting.
“For the record”, I have written about my ethnicity in the past—I just don’t write about it all that often, nor am I usually this explicit in my expositions.
Just food for thought (and not to antagonize anyone—don’t answer): If you didn’t think I was Asian, what ethnicity did you assume I was? and why? (insert Winning Smile here)
Comment by Maria | 3 Sep 2007 @ 9:45pm
In the interest of transparency (certainly not anything I would normally decide to broadcast), I pictured you as tall, thin, dark shoulder-length straight hair, possibly Italian or Eastern European, with an alto sort of voice. I have no idea why; no conscious thought involved.
Comment by Don | 4 Sep 2007 @ 6:23am
So, I know now from which continent (some of?) your forebears hail; and immediately take you to be of Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi ancestry. Pause to realise that no, that’s the British understanding of ‘Asian’. You’re more likely ‘from’ the islands scattered sickle-like around the Pacific.
But then, would I *really be much the wiser if I knew the very village/town/hamlet? I might guess much, but to know…
Comment by Baba Yaga | 4 Sep 2007 @ 6:50am
Heh … that’s a hoot. You cannot imagine how many times I’ve been asked where my Asian Mrs was from, to which I answer ‘A mail order bride from the Czech Republic’. The second request is ‘Manhattan’. A lot more interesting then my own homogeneous origin of “Nort’ MinnesotaHH”
Comment by mdmhvonpa | 4 Sep 2007 @ 7:36am
So when are you going to post a picture of yourself so that we may guess at which variety of ‘Asian’ you are? ;)
I’ve been reading your blog off and on for a while now, and I assumed you were Hispanic (long beautiful black hair and the name ‘Maria’).
Comment by Bob | 4 Sep 2007 @ 4:56pm
I didn’t think about it until you mentioned it. And honestly I don’t even remember when that was.
Comment by Jesse | 4 Sep 2007 @ 5:12pm
I thought you were Hispanic because your name is the stereotypical Hispanic female name, and you described yourself as dark-haired once.
Now that I know you’re Asian and named Maria, I’m 98% positive that you are Filipino.
Comment by A Loyal Reader, Delurking | 4 Sep 2007 @ 5:34pm
As a Northern European mutt (Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Scandinavian, Dutch) who has been told he has “Yellow Fever” and called a “Rice Chaser” because he had a long-term relationship with an Asian woman at one point, and actually talks to women of other ethnicities than his own - Quelle horreur! - I laugh at stereotypes.
The most submissive woman I’ve ever met was of hardy Irish/Scandinavian stock; the most aggressive and bull-headed one I ever met was Filipina. Stereotypes are just that - broad brushstrokes that we paint over our ignorance with. People are people, and I’ll dance with all of them regardless of their skin color. King said it best - that we should be judged by the content of our character and not the color of our skin.
As one human to another - let’s dance!
Comment by Thane | 5 Sep 2007 @ 10:31am
Perhaps it is that I spent enough time in China, enough time to gain a certain immunity to the words that were spoken BY EVERY PERSON, on EVERY DAY that I lived there.
“Where are you from?”
Perhaps it is because I am an oddity there. It is the middle kingdom after all. They don’t expect to see “foreigners”, while here in America, we are a nation of foreigners. We expect that our differences will dissolve, we imagine we are all alike. Or should be.
Perhaps it is because when I was lost in Asia, people would come up to me on the street to offer assistance, and of course, they just had to know were I came from. I do the same thing now. I see an Asian face with a map of Seattle, looking puzzled, and it is a natural inclination to offer help. I have many debts of gratitude yet to repay.
I always ask where they are from. And they never take it as an offense.
Comment by Michael Max | 5 Sep 2007 @ 11:52am
Great post. Always knew you were Asian ;-)
Comment by vantan | 17 Sep 2007 @ 6:51am