Over the past nine months, most of the postal mail I have received have been postcards from various medical centers throughout the country, recruiting me to join their practices. Businesses in Texas, in particular, have been rather enthusiastic and have promised large sums of money, should I choose to join them. (Another way to read this: Don’t worry too much about finding a job upon completion of residency. Worry only about finding a specific job in a specific location with specific clinical duties for a specific wage. If you’re not picky, the options are apparently abundant. You appreciate alliteration, aye?)

My father, on the other hand, has apparently received many notices from cremation companies, funeral homes, and will underwriters. (Jesse reports a somewhat similar experience, though Jesse is much younger than my father.) As he was sorting through the mail, I spied an envelope on the table. The corner read:

Win a FREE pre-paid cremation!

“What?” I said. I was first perplexed with the offer: Do people actually want to “win” cremations? Then I was confused with the content of the sentence: What exactly does “free pre-paid” mean? Is the cremation free? Or is the pre-payment for the cremation free?

Eh?

“Yeah; I’ve been getting a lot of those lately,” my dad said blandly, tossing the letter aside. I intercepted it and, curious, opened it.

“When did you start getting these?” I asked. Yes, we are all aging, but at what point do cremation companies hedge their bets and start soliciting people to consider decedent affairs?

“Oh… probably for about two years now,” he answered.

I pulled out the letter. The following was printed in the upper left-hand corner:

WIN A PRE-PAID CREMATION
Complete all of the reply slip information and you will be eligible for a drawing each month.
February 2008 Winner: [a name that sounds geriatric]

This was the content of the letter:

“For a variety of reasons, more and more people are choosing cremation over traditional funeral arrangements. As they plan their final wishes and needs, over 50% of Californians have selected cremation as their preference! The numbers are increasing every year!”

My first reaction was, Where’s the data?

Well. Let me tell you.

There is a Cremation Association of North America. (Their annual symposium is happening in Las Vegas next month!) They produced a document entitled “Final 2005 Statistics and Projections to the Year 2025 - 2006 Preliminary Data” and, indeed, it appears that California has the most number of cremations performed in the United States. (California is ranked #10 in percentage of cremations at 52.06%. Hawaii ranks #1 for percentage of cremations at 66.32%. In viewing percentages only, it seems that cremations are most commonly employed on the West Coast and least employed in the South, with the least occurring in Alabama at 9.47%.)

You learn something new every day.

Continuing with the letter:

“Cremation just makes sense because:

• It allows families to conduct simple personal services at their own convenience
• It is much less expensive
• It has less impact on the environment”

(I like the appeal to the environmentalist within.)

“SIMPLE, ECONOMICAL AND DIGNIFIED… THAT’S OUR MOTTO!

With everyone moving around these days (ed: What are you trying to say?), placing a loved on in a “local” cemetery may not be as functional as it used to be. Folks are finding that a meaningful service can be held without the need for a fancy and expensive funeral home!”

(Clearly appealing to the frugal, practical customer.)

“There are several advantages to making your arrangements now. First, you lock in today’s price. Second, you protect your family from falling victim to pressure to overspend (also known as “up-selling”) at a time when they are emotionally vulnerable. Instead, when the time comes (ed: that’s a tactful way of putting it, rather than “WHEN YOU DIE…”), your family is simply left to concentrate on what’s important — helping each other get through their grief. Finally, [The Company] arrangements may also qualify as an exempt asset when filing for Medicaid assistance!”

(Now appealing even more to the frugal customer… with the implication that frugality may be genetic, or at least a value that has passed down through the generations.)

“Like we said: ‘Cremation just makes sense’. If you are not interested in spending your family’s inheritance on embalming, caskets, vaults, markers, fancy funeral homes or cemetery property, then we have the answer!”

(Because choosing burial apparently doesn’t make sense—it’s what the hoity-toity do, because they can afford to be non-sensical. Or something.)

“To find out more about [The Company], please complete the enclosed reply card and mail it back to us. (ed: Hopefully you won’t die in the interim…) You will be under NO obligation and your information is confidential. We simply would like your permission to provide you with information if cremation is your choice too.”

Oh, but wait—the following is at the very end of the letter in smaller font:

Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family.

Timing is everything.

Death, with his scythe and black robes, is also a businessman.

My father gave me explicit instructions many years ago that he wants to be cremated when he dies. Though this business advertised its services, this notice repelled me from considering their company when my father finally does shed his mortal coil.

I hope that doesn’t happen any time soon.