Dear Leads:

Thank you for helping me unwind from the excess extroverted activities I had to pursue today. Though dancing may seem to be an extroverted activity, I find that it nourishes my introversion and re-energizes me. Perhaps this is due to the relative lack of talking while dancing. More likely, however, this is due to the mindfulness within lindy hop (or, arguably, any type of dance).

This evening, a few of you expressed some frustration (and maybe a little bit of embarrassment) with your perceived lack of skill. “I only know three moves,” you commented. “I’m sorry.”

Please let me assure you that most follows agree that dancing with a solid, confident lead who has a firm understanding of dancing basics and leads only those basics is more enjoyable than dancing with a lead who has a repertoire chock full of flashy moves, but leads “sloppily”.

In fact, it is those leads who apologize for their limited dancing skills (yes, that would be you) who often lead basics well and soon become highly sought-after leads. The reason for this? You care about the dancing experience of your partners. This concern for others is often what appeals to follows.

Follows generally don’t like it when leads:

• hurt them (e.g. rotate their shoulders in directions that are physiologically impossible, stomp on their toes, etc.)
• touch them in places that are considered improper (e.g. too low on the back, too close to the breast, etc.)
• insist on leading moves that require more trust than may be appropriate at that stage of the dancing relationship (e.g. leading a low dip after dance number one, etc.)
• lead moves that are too advanced, particularly after leads realize that the follows are unable to keep up (e.g. multiple spins, fancy footwork, etc.)

Note that all of the above involve a lack of attention to the follows’ dancing experiences. Of course, accidents do happen (sometimes we trip; sometimes we think that we are catching a back when we are actually catching a boob, etc.), though it is usually fairly easy for follows to discern between an accident and a lack of mindfulness. (An apology usually follows the former; the latter simply keeps happening. Observe that the apology itself demonstrates concern for the follows’ experiences.)

I do not deny that leads have a ton to keep track of while dancing. You’ve got to generate combinations of steps, protect your follow from other dancers, stay on the beat, and, you know, you want to enjoy yourself, too.

If, however, you put aside your self-consciousness for a moment and focus on the dancing experience of your follow, I anticipate that you both will have a more pleasurable dancing experience. Your concern for her will address all of the tracking issues above:

• You will take classes or otherwise learn more steps so your follow will have more fun (due to unexpected steps and patterns, etc.).
• With practice and attention, you will master “floor craft” and keep your follow out of the way of errant couples. (Furthermore, the constantly shifting gauntlet of dancers will help improve your dancing repertoire—some clever patterns can arise spontaneously only in small spaces.)
• You will realize that follows have a difficult time dancing with a lead who is not dancing with the music and thus, you will try harder to stay on rhythm.
• When you see your follow smile or laugh with delight, you will likely experience a burst of joy.

Remember, follows want you to have fun, too. To accomplish that goal, most of them will be attending to your dancing experiences.

So please don’t worry about impressing follows with fancy steps. The best way to impress us is simply to care about and invest in us for the three to five minutes you spend dancing with us. That will increase the likelihood that (1) we will reciprocate the attention you pay to us while dancing and (2) we will dance with you again. And that’s something we all want.

Thank you,
Maria

P.S. You may also apply the above suggestions other relationships, like dating. We all appreciate it when other people extend themselves for us to maximize our comfort and delight. (Nod to The Gold Bar.)