Dear Leads:
Thank you for helping me unwind from the excess extroverted activities I had to pursue today. Though dancing may seem to be an extroverted activity, I find that it nourishes my introversion and re-energizes me. Perhaps this is due to the relative lack of talking while dancing. More likely, however, this is due to the mindfulness within lindy hop (or, arguably, any type of dance).
This evening, a few of you expressed some frustration (and maybe a little bit of embarrassment) with your perceived lack of skill. “I only know three moves,” you commented. “I’m sorry.”
Please let me assure you that most follows agree that dancing with a solid, confident lead who has a firm understanding of dancing basics and leads only those basics is more enjoyable than dancing with a lead who has a repertoire chock full of flashy moves, but leads “sloppily”.
In fact, it is those leads who apologize for their limited dancing skills (yes, that would be you) who often lead basics well and soon become highly sought-after leads. The reason for this? You care about the dancing experience of your partners. This concern for others is often what appeals to follows.
Follows generally don’t like it when leads:
- hurt them (e.g. rotate their shoulders in directions that are physiologically impossible, stomp on their toes, etc.)
- touch them in places that are considered improper (e.g. too low on the back, too close to the breast, etc.)
- insist on leading moves that require more trust than may be appropriate at that stage of the dancing relationship (e.g. leading a low dip after dance number one, etc.)
- lead moves that are too advanced, particularly after leads realize that the follows are unable to keep up (e.g. multiple spins, fancy footwork, etc.)
Note that all of the above involve a lack of attention to the follows’ dancing experiences. Of course, accidents do happen (sometimes we trip; sometimes we think that we are catching a back when we are actually catching a boob, etc.), though it is usually fairly easy for follows to discern between an accident and a lack of mindfulness. (An apology usually follows the former; the latter simply keeps happening. Observe that the apology itself demonstrates concern for the follows’ experiences.)
I do not deny that leads have a ton to keep track of while dancing. You’ve got to generate combinations of steps, protect your follow from other dancers, stay on the beat, and, you know, you want to enjoy yourself, too.
If, however, you put aside your self-consciousness for a moment and focus on the dancing experience of your follow, I anticipate that you both will have a more pleasurable dancing experience. Your concern for her will address all of the tracking issues above:
- You will take classes or otherwise learn more steps so your follow will have more fun (due to unexpected steps and patterns, etc.).
- With practice and attention, you will master “floor craft” and keep your follow out of the way of errant couples. (Furthermore, the constantly shifting gauntlet of dancers will help improve your dancing repertoire—some clever patterns can arise spontaneously only in small spaces.)
- You will realize that follows have a difficult time dancing with a lead who is not dancing with the music and thus, you will try harder to stay on rhythm.
- When you see your follow smile or laugh with delight, you will likely experience a burst of joy.
Remember, follows want you to have fun, too. To accomplish that goal, most of them will be attending to your dancing experiences.
So please don’t worry about impressing follows with fancy steps. The best way to impress us is simply to care about and invest in us for the three to five minutes you spend dancing with us. That will increase the likelihood that (1) we will reciprocate the attention you pay to us while dancing and (2) we will dance with you again. And that’s something we all want.
Thank you,
Maria
P.S. You may also apply the above suggestions other relationships, like dating. We all appreciate it when other people extend themselves for us to maximize our comfort and delight. (Nod to The Gold Bar.)
16 Apr 2008 | 1 comment.
Forms and Function.
I recently received a gigantic employment packet from the New York City medical institution where I shall soon be a fellow. The postage on the envelope was over ten dollars.
Inside are many, many sheets of paper, many of which I must fill out with many details about my demographics, health, and credentials. In order to receive clearance and work for this institution, I must do, amongst other things, the following:
- submit a notarized copy of my medical school diploma
- submit another set of medical school transcripts
- send in two letters of recommendation (… even though I already submitted three with my original fellowship application)
- send in a copy of my curriculum vitae (which still falls under the category of “curious and colorful”, not “academic and illustrious”)
- send in a completed physical exam form (though physicians routinely read each others’ tuberculosis skin tests, a complete physical exam isn’t something I want a doctorly friend to do for me…)
- proof of immunity to various infections (rubella, rubeola, etc.)
- go to the local lab so I can undergo a urine toxicology screen (I’ve never had a drug test before…)
Included within the tome was a schedule of required activities. Alas, the date of my graduation ceremony here in Seattle is the same date as a mandatory orientation/form-filling soiree in New York City.
Both choices have notable consequences. Attending the orientation will help me manage my anxiety about my new job. Attending graduation will help me manage my sadness about finishing my old job.
This really isn’t about work. This is really about change. And the obvious lack of control that goes along with it.
14 Apr 2008 | 2 comments.
Only Sixty Dollars. Only.
Tomorrow, the National Multiple Sclerosis Society shall hold its annual MS Walk in Seattle.
Long time readers may recall that I’ve participated in this walk in the past—indeed, this shall be my fourth year walking for my good friend who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when she and I were interns. (I mentioned briefly how I learned of her diagnosis here; you can read the more ornate and detailed version here.)
I’ve become the breadwinner of the team. It’s become a point of pride for me—though, really, the pride serves the function of masking the amazement I feel when people extend their generosity to the cause through me (thank you Yaser and Brock and Brock’s wife Amanda and Andrea!). It’s not that I am so moved that I start crying, but when I really think about the generosity of others and how truly wonderful it is, something takes flight in my chest and my face gets a little warm.
Last year, I raised enough money to enter the “Hall of Fame”. My reward? A bright orange shirt with chartreuse green graphics and white text.
It is a complete eyesore. I plan to wear it with pride tomorrow. It’s gonna be awesome.
My goal this year is to raise $1000. I’ve never raised $1000 as an individual in my life thus far.
I’ve currently raised $940.
Would you be willing to throw in some money so I reach my goal of $1000?
That way, I shall continue to have bragging rights on my team. I’ve already cleared the “Hall of Fame” bar, but maybe I could be eligible for the “Hall of Super Fame” tee-shirt. Maybe that one includes sequins and tie-dye patterns.
But, most importantly, that’s sixty more dollars that can help drive research and education for multiple sclerosis. And that means that maybe, one day there won’t be a need to have MS Walks.
If you’d like to donate—even just a mere $5!—for my walk tomorrow, send me an e-mail. Thank you, regardless, for your attention.
UPDATE at 7:00am on Sunday, April 13th: You ask the internet for $60 and you get $200… and two pending donations. How awesome is that? (Thank you thank you thank you!)
12 Apr 2008 | 1 comment.
Need versus Want.
While running around the neighborhood this morning, I spied a dilapidated pick-up truck creeping along the road. When the vehicle stopped, a woman hopped out of the vehicle, a black trashbag in one hand and a metal grasper in the other.
It was trash day today. Parked in front of every house were several bins. The blue ones contain recyclable items only.
She walked up to the row of bins, flipped open the lid for the blue container, and proceeded to rummage through its contents. Occasionally, she plucked out an item and dropped it unceremoniously into the waiting trash bag. The resulting metallic clatter revealed that she was retrieving aluminum cans.
Once satisfied, she returned to the waiting truck and hopped back inside. Sometimes, she placed the clattering bag into the bed of the truck; sometimes the bag sat with her in the front seat.
A tired-looking man slouched inside on the driver’s side.
It was not yet 7:00am, though the sky was already glowing yellow-pink around the grey marine layer to herald the rising sun. A chilly breeze (by Orange County standards) was coming in from the ocean. Several mini-vans, large trucks, and SUVs rolled past, the drivers already wearing sunglasses and stern expressions on their faces.
I passed the woman several times during my run. I worried about her: If the owner of a house happened to step outside and notice her digging through his recycling bin, what would he do? Would he yell at her? Ignore her completely? Shake his head with disappointment or disgust? Mutter obscenities under his breath?
On the other hand, she wasn’t engaging in anything criminal. The owner of the house had disposed of these items; he clearly didn’t feel the need or have the desire to save the cans to secure a few extra cents or dollars.
If the woman was willing to publicly dig through someone else’s trash to collect a bit of money and accept the indignity that goes along with that scrounging, then can anyone rightly criticize her? One might argue that she was contributing to environmental conservation; she was recycling what otherwise would go to the landfill. What profit she could make from her labors is likely a mere fraction of the earnings of the homeowner.
She was digging hard because she needed to. I was running hard because I wanted to.
9 Apr 2008 | 2 comments.
Cremation Creation.
Over the past nine months, most of the postal mail I have received have been postcards from various medical centers throughout the country, recruiting me to join their practices. Businesses in Texas, in particular, have been rather enthusiastic and have promised large sums of money, should I choose to join them. (Another way to read this: Don’t worry too much about finding a job upon completion of residency. Worry only about finding a specific job in a specific location with specific clinical duties for a specific wage. If you’re not picky, the options are apparently abundant. You appreciate alliteration, aye?)
My father, on the other hand, has apparently received many notices from cremation companies, funeral homes, and will underwriters. (Jesse reports a somewhat similar experience, though Jesse is much younger than my father.) As he was sorting through the mail, I spied an envelope on the table. The corner read:
Win a FREE pre-paid cremation!
“What?” I said. I was first perplexed with the offer: Do people actually want to “win” cremations? Then I was confused with the content of the sentence: What exactly does “free pre-paid” mean? Is the cremation free? Or is the pre-payment for the cremation free?
Eh?
“Yeah; I’ve been getting a lot of those lately,” my dad said blandly, tossing the letter aside. I intercepted it and, curious, opened it.
“When did you start getting these?” I asked. Yes, we are all aging, but at what point do cremation companies hedge their bets and start soliciting people to consider decedent affairs?
“Oh… probably for about two years now,” he answered.
I pulled out the letter. The following was printed in the upper left-hand corner:
WIN A PRE-PAID CREMATION
Complete all of the reply slip information and you will be eligible for a drawing each month.
February 2008 Winner: [a name that sounds geriatric]
This was the content of the letter:
“For a variety of reasons, more and more people are choosing cremation over traditional funeral arrangements. As they plan their final wishes and needs, over 50% of Californians have selected cremation as their preference! The numbers are increasing every year!”
My first reaction was, Where’s the data?
Well. Let me tell you.
There is a Cremation Association of North America. (Their annual symposium is happening in Las Vegas next month!) They produced a document entitled “Final 2005 Statistics and Projections to the Year 2025 - 2006 Preliminary Data” and, indeed, it appears that California has the most number of cremations performed in the United States. (California is ranked #10 in percentage of cremations at 52.06%. Hawaii ranks #1 for percentage of cremations at 66.32%. In viewing percentages only, it seems that cremations are most commonly employed on the West Coast and least employed in the South, with the least occurring in Alabama at 9.47%.)
You learn something new every day.
Continuing with the letter:
“Cremation just makes sense because:
- It allows families to conduct simple personal services at their own convenience
- It is much less expensive
- It has less impact on the environment”
(I like the appeal to the environmentalist within.)
“SIMPLE, ECONOMICAL AND DIGNIFIED… THAT’S OUR MOTTO!
With everyone moving around these days (ed: What are you trying to say?), placing a loved on in a “local” cemetery may not be as functional as it used to be. Folks are finding that a meaningful service can be held without the need for a fancy and expensive funeral home!”
(Clearly appealing to the frugal, practical customer.)
“There are several advantages to making your arrangements now. First, you lock in today’s price. Second, you protect your family from falling victim to pressure to overspend (also known as “up-selling”) at a time when they are emotionally vulnerable. Instead, when the time comes (ed: that’s a tactful way of putting it, rather than “WHEN YOU DIE…”), your family is simply left to concentrate on what’s important — helping each other get through their grief. Finally, [The Company] arrangements may also qualify as an exempt asset when filing for Medicaid assistance!”
(Now appealing even more to the frugal customer… with the implication that frugality may be genetic, or at least a value that has passed down through the generations.)
“Like we said: ‘Cremation just makes sense’. If you are not interested in spending your family’s inheritance on embalming, caskets, vaults, markers, fancy funeral homes or cemetery property, then we have the answer!”
(Because choosing burial apparently doesn’t make sense—it’s what the hoity-toity do, because they can afford to be non-sensical. Or something.)
“To find out more about [The Company], please complete the enclosed reply card and mail it back to us. (ed: Hopefully you won’t die in the interim…) You will be under NO obligation and your information is confidential. We simply would like your permission to provide you with information if cremation is your choice too.”
Oh, but wait—the following is at the very end of the letter in smaller font:
Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family.
Timing is everything.
Death, with his scythe and black robes, is also a businessman.
My father gave me explicit instructions many years ago that he wants to be cremated when he dies. Though this business advertised its services, this notice repelled me from considering their company when my father finally does shed his mortal coil.
I hope that doesn’t happen any time soon.
8 Apr 2008 | 4 comments.